I’ve always been a patient person. I got to practice my patience when my father remarried following my mom’s death. So, when my in-laws tried to get me to break up with my husband before we could get married, I just used what I had learned earlier in life to withstand their onslaught.
You know, sometimes trying to find your place in someone else’s family can be really tricky. At least, it was for me when I met my husband’s family. See, I’m originally from Morocco, while my husband, Jeremy, was raised by an extremely conservative family from Georgia. That should be enough to give you an idea of what I faced.
Man and woman on a date | Source: Getty Images
I immigrated to the US shortly after my mother passed away. I was 11 at the time, and it felt like my entire world was coming to an end. To add to this, my dad married a new woman only a little over a year after Mom’s death. Naturally, adjusting to life in a new country and coming to terms that there was a new woman in my mom’s place was jarring.
My stepmom wasn’t a bad person, but we never got along. I think she felt insecure about the fact that she could never have kids, so she would often be mean and distant toward my sister and me. She used to try to upset us all the time by doing petty things that she knew would make us uncomfortable, but luckily my mom had taught me to always smile when people were intentionally being mean to me.
A young girl in an airplane | Source: Getty Images
This turned out to be a great defense mechanism, and my stepmom couldn’t bear that her tricks weren’t working on me. Eventually, things died down and we made our peace, but I would never forget how effective it was to just smile through whatever petty new ploy she had devised to try and upset me. It truly was one of the greatest gifts my mom had ever given me.
But my stepmom was a minor hindrance compared to Jeremy’s family. When I met them for the first time, I knew I was in for a lengthy cold war.
A woman yelling at a young girl | Source: Getty Images
I met Leona, Jeremy’s mom, and the rest of the Fergus family at one of their family dinners. By that time, I had been dating Jeremy for almost a year, and they had used every excuse to avoid inviting me to their dinners. This time, Jeremy ensured that they couldn’t weasel out of meeting me, and he even told his mom to prepare a few dishes that I could eat, since I steer clear of any pork and alcohol.
While my loving boyfriend was sure there would be something for me, I knew better than to just blindly trust people who clearly had misgivings about me to respect my personal choices, so I ate as I would before a fast and prepared myself for sitting around the dinner table while everyone enjoyed their meal.
A large dinner table with people sitting around it | Source: Getty Images
When we showed up at Jeremy’s parents’ house, the family greeted me with half-hearted smiles and quick hugs before we all settled down to eat. I knew the greetings would be awkward and stiff, but what I didn’t anticipate was Leona bringing a peppy blonde woman up to me with a huge smile and saying, “Oh, Aleah, you just have to meet Diane, Jeremy’s last girlfriend. We’re all still very close and I thought you two might hit it off.”
Diane looked slightly embarrassed, and shook my hand with a smile that seemed to say, “I’m sorry, I know, but what could I do?” I introduced myself and we exchanged a few pleasantries before she greeted Jeremy with a huge hug. She immediately launched into a conversation with him about what was going on in his life, ignoring me completely. Jeremy answered a few questions, grabbed my hand, and steered me to our seats.
A woman shaking another woman’s hand | Source: Getty Images
At the table, things just got worse. Leona opened all the dishes, and every single thing had pork in it. The mac and cheese had bacon bits in, the mashed potatoes had lard in, and even the turkey was wrapped in bacon. After unveiling all the food, Jeremy’s mom looked at me, apologized for all the pork, and offered me a drink. “I don’t drink, but I’ll gladly take a glass of water,” I said with a smile. Slightly crestfallen, Leona got up to get me one.
During the meal, the entire family kept making off-handed, passive-aggressive, and slightly racist comments clearly directed toward me. Meanwhile, Diane was showered with compliments. You’d expect she was royalty with how the family sucked up to her. But I knew exactly how to handle the situation.
A woman enjoying a glass of water | Source: Getty Images
Instead of letting my annoyance show, I once again employed my mom’s wisdom. I smiled at every so-called joke, and even threw a few of my own compliments at Diane. I told Leona how lovely the spread looked, and thanked her profusely when she went to refill my cup of water. I could see Jeremy’s mom seething at my pleasant demeanor.
The night ended and we said our goodbyes. I refrained from complaining to Jeremy about his family. I could handle it. But things didn’t get better from there. Family dinners were suddenly off-limits to anyone who wasn’t also a Fergus — although Diane was apparently an exception — so I would often spend Christmas on my own or with my sister. They never drove a wedge between myself and Jeremy, and imagine their shock when he eventually proposed.
Two sisters celebrating Christmas together | Source: Getty Images
Now, Leona and the rest of the family never bothered to learn anything about my culture. They assumed the wedding would be a regular ceremony, but Jeremy and I had planned on blending traditions. So when all the women, Diane included, showed up wearing white, I was all smiles, complimenting their outfits all the way. This didn’t go down well.
Meanwhile, my outfits were made up of every color imaginable, and I outshone them in every photo. There’s even one picture of Leona with the biggest sour expression I had ever seen. It was a wonderful day.
A traditional wedding dress | Source: Getty Images
But the unspoken feud came to a head last Christmas when Leona suggested I host. Naturally, I accepted, even though I knew she only offered because she hoped I would be overwhelmed. Fortunately, she didn’t count on the fact that I often cooked, and had been since I was a young girl. So my spread was something to marvel at.
Mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, turkey, glazed ham, Brussels sprouts, green bean casserole, roasted carrots, and potatoes, freshly baked bread, corn bread, and an entire assortment of pies. Even I was impressed. But of course, with her plan in ruins, Leona did the next best thing. She started shouting at me.
A big dinner | Source: Getty Images
“You’ve got to be kidding me! How could you of all people have managed this?! I know you hired a catering company, Aleah! Just to make me look bad. Admit it!”
Surprised at her outright anger, I looked at her, then at Jeremy. Luckily he stepped in.
“Mom, Aleah slaved away for two days to make sure we had a great Christmas dinner. I don’t think you acting like this is very mature or fair. She has been nothing but a good host, and you accuse her of being petty, like a child who had hoped to one-up someone. I think you owe her an apology, or you should leave.”
There was a long pause. Everyone wondered what would happen next, plates in hand.
A woman cooking dinner | Source: Getty Images
Leona took a deep breath and looked at me. “You won,” she muttered and sat down dejectedly. Before Jeremy could say another word, I walked over to my mother-in-law, got on my knees before her, and took her hands in mine. “Leona, this isn’t a competition. I love your son deeply and I don’t want this cold war between us.”
She looked at me with new-found respect, and I could see the hatchet was buried. The war between us ended with a big hug and a great dinner, and although we still differ about things, we have grown quite fond of each other over the last few months.
Actress Anne Heche Dead at 53 After High-Speed Car Crash
Anne Heche has died of a brain injury and severe burns after speeding and crashing her car into a home in the residential Mar Vista neighborhood last Friday, Aug 5. The building erupted in flames and Heche was dragged out of the vehicle and rushed to the Grossman Burn Center at West Hills Hospital in Los Angeles.
The 53-year-old, Emmy Award-winning actress is best known for her roles in 1990s films like Volcano, the Gus Van Sant remake of Psycho, Donnie Brasco and Six Days, Seven Nights.
Holly Baird, a spokesperson for Heche’s family, sent NPR a statement Friday afternoon saying: “While Anne is legally dead according to California law, her heart is still beating, and she has not been taken off life support.”
Sponsor Message
Baird added an organ procurement company is working to see if the actress is a match for organ donation, and that determination could be made as early as Saturday or as late as next Tuesday.
Heche launched her career playing a pair of good and evil twins on the long-running daytime soap opera Another World, for which she earned a Daytime Emmy Award in 1991.
In the 2000s, Heche focused on making independent movies and TV series. She acted with Nicole Kidman and Cameron Bright in the drama Birth; with Jessica Lange and Christina Ricci in the film adaptation of Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel’s bestselling book about depression; and in the comedy Cedar Rapids alongside John C. Reilly and Ed Helms. She also starred in the ABC drama series Men in Trees.
Heche made guest appearances on TV shows like Nip/Tuck and Ally McBeal and starred in a couple of Broadway productions, garnering a Tony Award nomination for her performance in the remount of the 1932 comedy Twentieth Century.
In 2020, Heche launched a weekly lifestyle podcast, Better Together, with friend and co-host Heather Duffy and appeared on Dancing with the Stars.
Heche became a lesbian icon as a result of her highly-visible relationship with comedian and TV host Ellen DeGeneres in the late 1990s.
Heche and DeGeneres were arguably the most famous openly gay couple in Hollywood at a time when being out was far less acceptable than it is today. Heche later claimed the romance took a toll on her career. “I was in a relationship with Ellen DeGeneres for three-and-a-half years and the stigma attached to that relationship was so bad that I was fired from my multimillion-dollar picture deal and I did not work in a studio picture for 10 years,” Heche said in an episode of Dancing with the Stars.
But the relationship paved the way for broader acceptance of single-sex partnerships.
“With so few role models and representations of lesbians in the late 1990s and early 2000s, Anne Heche’s relationship with Ellen DeGeneres contributed to her celebrity in a significant way and their relationship ultimately validated lesbian love for both straight and queer people,” said the Los Angeles-based New York Times columnist Trish Bendix.
Bendix said that while Heche was later in relationships with men — she married Coleman Laffoon in the early 2000s and they had a son together, and was more recently in a relationship with Canadian actor James Tupper with whom she also had a son — “her influence on lesbian and bisexual visibility can’t and shouldn’t be erased.”
In 2000, Fresh Air host Terry Gross interviewed Heche in advance of her directorial debut on the final episode of If These Walls Could Talk 2, a series of three HBO television films exploring the lives of lesbian couples starring DeGeneres and Sharon Stone. In the interview, Heche said she wished she had been more sensitive about other people’s coming out experiences when she and DeGeneres went public with their relationship.
“What I wish I would have known is more of the journey and the struggle of individuals in the gay community or couples in the gay community,” Heche said. “Because I would have couched my enthusiasm with an understanding that this isn’t everybody’s story.”
Heche was born in Aurora, Ohio in 1969, the youngest of five siblings. She was raised in a Christian fundamentalist household.
She had a challenging childhood. The family moved around a lot. She said she believed her father, Donald, was a closeted gay man; he died in 1983 of HIV.
“He just couldn’t seem to settle down into a normal job, which, of course, we found out later, and as I understand it now, was because he had another life,” Heche told Gross on Fresh Air. “He wanted to be with men.”
A few months after her father died, Heche’s brother Nathan was killed in a car crash at the age of 18.
In her 2001 Memoir Call Me Crazy, and in subsequent interviews, Heche said her father abused her sexually as a child, triggering mental health issues which the actress said she carried with her for decades as an adult.
In an interview with the actress for Larry King Live, host Larry King called Heche’s book, “one of the most honest, outspoken, extraordinary autobiographies ever written by anyone in show business.”
“I am left with a deep, wordless sadness,” wrote Heche’s son with Lafoon, Homer, in a statement shared with NPR via Baird. “Hopefully my mom is free from pain and beginning to explore what I like to imagine as her eternal freedom.”
Leave a Reply