A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
I Visited My In-Laws and Discovered My Mother-in-Law Locked in the Attic – The Reason Left Me Horrified
I looked around. The house was eerily quiet. It wasn’t the cozy place I was used to, filled with the smell of fresh coffee or Sharon’s humming in the kitchen. I pulled out my phone and texted Frank, just to check.
“Hey, I’m here at the house. Where are you guys?”
But today, the key was in the lock.
His response came back almost immediately. “Out with the guys. Sharon’s resting. You can head home if you want.”
Resting? That didn’t sit right with me. Sharon was always the one who jumped up to greet us, even if we’d been there the day before. And resting in the middle of the day? It wasn’t like her at all.
A weird feeling crept into my stomach. I slowly made my way through the house, my voice echoing as I called her name.
“Sharon? Are you okay?”
Still nothing. That’s when I heard a faint tapping sound.
I froze. It was coming from upstairs, somewhere near the attic. My heart started to race as I climbed the stairs. The tapping continued, steady and strange. When I reached the attic door, I stopped cold.
It was always locked. Frank had made it clear — nobody went into the attic. Not even Sharon. It was his space, some kind of personal workshop or storage room, I guessed.
But today, the key was in the lock.
I swallowed hard, my hand hovering over the doorknob. Something about this felt wrong. “Sharon?” I called again, this time my voice barely above a whisper.
No answer, but the tapping stopped.
I hesitated for a moment before turning the key and pushing the door open. And there she was. Sharon, sitting in an old wooden chair in the dim light, looking as though she hadn’t moved in hours. Her usually bright face seemed worn, her smile weak.
“Ruth,” she whispered, startled by my appearance, her voice trembling. “You’re here.”
I rushed over, setting the cookies aside and helping her up. “Sharon, what’s going on? Why are you up here?” My heart was pounding, every instinct telling me that something wasn’t right.
Her eyes darted toward the door, and she opened her mouth to speak, but the words that followed made my blood run cold.
“I uhhh… Frank… locked me in here,” she uttered, her voice barely above a whisper.
I blinked, shaking my head. “What?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Why would he do that?”
She sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I reorganized his man cave while he was out. It was getting messy, and I thought I’d surprise him. You know how he gets about his space, but I didn’t think it would upset him this much.”
Sharon let out a weak, forced laugh, but there was no real humor behind it. “When he came home, he lost it. He said if I loved ‘messing with his stuff’ so much, I could spend time up here too. Then he locked the door and told me to ‘think about what I’d done.’”
I was dumbfounded. This wasn’t just Frank getting upset over a room. He locked her up like she was a child being punished. I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
“Sharon, that’s insane,” I finally said, my voice shaky from the anger building inside me. “You’re his wife, not some kid who broke a rule. He can’t just lock you up because you reorganized his stuff!”
Sharon looked away, her hands twisting nervously in her lap. “He didn’t mean it like that,” she whispered. “He was just angry. You know how he gets.”
I was floored. She said it so calmly, with such resignation, as if this were completely normal. My throat tightened with frustration. I knew Frank could be controlling, but this? This was abuse.
“We’re leaving,” I said, standing up, my voice firm. “You’re not staying here, not with him acting like this.”
Sharon glanced toward the attic door, clearly nervous. “Ruth, maybe I should just go downstairs and apologize. It’s my fault for touching his things. I—”
“Apologize?!” I cut her off, shaking my head. “You did nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to be locked up like this! You’re coming with me, Sharon, and we’ll figure out what to do from there.”
She hesitated, her hands trembling slightly. “But what if he gets angrier? I don’t want to make things worse.”
“He doesn’t get to decide how you live your life, Sharon,” I said, my voice softening. “This isn’t about him anymore. It’s about you. You don’t have to keep tiptoeing around him like this.”
She looked at me for a long moment, her eyes filled with a mixture of fear and uncertainty. But then, slowly, she nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. “Let’s go.”
We didn’t waste any time. I helped Sharon pack a small bag with a few of her things. She was nervous the whole time, glancing at the door like Frank might burst in any second. But as soon as we stepped outside, I could see her shoulders relax a little like she was finally starting to breathe again.
As we drove back to my house, I kept glancing over at her. She looked exhausted, like she’d been carrying this emotional baggage for years, and was only just now setting it down.
“Are you okay?” I asked, breaking the silence.
She gave me a small smile, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I think so. I don’t really know what’s next.”
“Whatever it is,” I said, “you don’t have to face it alone.”
Later that evening, after I helped Sharon settle into the guest room, my phone started buzzing on the table. Frank’s name flashed on the screen.
I nodded and ignored the call. A few minutes later, the messages started coming in.
“Where’s Sharon? Bring her back now! She’s my wife, and she belongs here with me.”
I rolled my eyes and put the phone down, trying to keep my anger in check. But it was getting harder by the second. When Bryce came home from work, I pulled him aside, trying to explain everything as calmly as I could.
“She was locked in the attic, Bryce,” I said quietly, my voice shaking despite my best efforts to stay composed. “Frank… he just left her there.”
Bryce’s face darkened. “What the hell?” he muttered, his fists clenching. “Are you serious?”
I nodded, watching as his anger grew. “She’s in the guest room now, but Frank keeps calling, demanding I send her back.”
Bryce didn’t waste any time. He grabbed his phone and dialed his father’s number, pacing back and forth in the living room as it rang.
I could hear Frank’s voice through the speaker as soon as he picked up.
“Where’s your mother? She needs to come back home. I’m not done teaching her—”
“Teaching her what, Dad?” Bryce cut him off, his voice shaking with anger. “What lesson are you trying to teach by locking her in the attic like a prisoner? You’re out of your mind!”
Frank’s voice dropped, trying to explain, trying to justify. “It wasn’t like that, son. She messed with my things. She needed to—”
“I don’t care if she moved every single thing you own!” Bryce shouted, his face red with fury. “You don’t lock her up. That’s not how you treat someone, especially your wife!”
Frank tried to talk over him, but Bryce wasn’t having it. “You’re lucky I’m not coming over there right now because if I did, I don’t think it’d end well for you.”
He hung up the phone and let out a frustrated sigh, running his hands through his hair. “I can’t believe he did this,” he muttered. “I never thought he’d go this far.”
I reached out and put my hand on his arm. “You did the right thing, standing up to him.”
Bryce shook his head. “It shouldn’t have to be like this, Ruth. I shouldn’t have to stand up to my own father.”
The next morning, while Bryce was at work, Frank showed up at our door. His face was red, and he was fuming. “Where is she?” he demanded. “She needs to come back. She has responsibilities, and I’m not done teaching her a lesson.”
I crossed my arms, standing firm. “She’s not coming back, Frank. What you did was wrong, and you know it. You locked her in the attic like she was a child. That’s not okay.”
Behind me, Sharon appeared in the hallway, her voice soft but steady. “I’m not coming back, Frank.”
He looked at her, his eyes narrowing. “What do you mean you’re not coming back? You don’t have a choice.”
“I do have a choice,” she said, stepping forward, her voice gaining strength. “I’m done being treated like a child, Frank. If my punishment for trying to help is being locked away, then maybe it’s time I make some changes.”
Frank tried to argue, but Sharon wasn’t backing down. “I’m not living like this anymore, Frank. I’m done.”
The look on Frank’s face was a mixture of disbelief and anger, but he knew it was over. He stormed off without another word, slamming the door behind him.
The relief I saw on Sharon’s face was indescribable. It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. It was like she could finally breathe a little easier.
A few weeks later, Sharon decided to file for divorce. She moved into a small apartment near us and even started taking that painting class she’d always wanted to try. It was like she’d been given a second chance at life, and she wasn’t going to waste it.
Bryce stood by her every step of the way, offering support and encouragement. “You deserve better, Mom,” he told her. “You should’ve never had to put up with that.”
In the end, Frank lost more than just Sharon. He lost his son, too. But it was his own doing. He pushed too hard, and Bryce wasn’t willing to let it slide. Sharon, though — she was finally free. And that was worth everything.
What would you have done in my shoes? Let me know your thoughts!
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