Fearing for their children’s futures, parents search for universal parenting techniques that will put their kids on the route to a prosperous job and a happy life. But times are changing, and the old principles of success are no longer relevant. Sometimes, parents’ actions, intended to be helpful, can actually create challenges for their children’s future.
1. Not allowing their kid to fail
Perfectionist parent often strives for perfection themselves, leading them to expect increasing levels of perfection from their child as they grow older — from the child’s artwork never being good enough to their bed not being made perfectly or not studying hard enough. The child faces constant criticism and reprimands but is never allowed to learn from their mistakes. Children of perfectionist parents may grow up to be perfectionists themselves or develop low self-esteem and lack confidence. Both outcomes can negatively impact their future careers.
- Anna’s mother always compared her to Mary, saying, “Look how tidy Mary is compared to you, Anna!” Despite Anna’s efforts to emulate Mary, she never measured up, and her mother’s criticism only intensified. Anna’s mother never allowed her the chance to improve her habits and learn basic skills. Now at 25 years old, Anna still compares herself to others and always comes up short in her own eyes. Needless to say, this constant comparison has taken a toll on her self-esteem.
2. Paying a child for good grades
This topic remains a subject of debate, but consider this perspective: imagine yourself as a contractor continually paying more for a product or service, with the child as the supplier providing it in exchange for money or rewards. It doesn’t sound like a good idea, does it?
- Alexandra’s parents sought to motivate their daughter to excel in her studies by offering money as an incentive. Initially, Alexandra’s grades improved, suggesting the approach was effective. However, her parents later discovered that she had been fabricating stories about an imaginary illness and sharing them with her teachers. She even falsely claimed that her parents constantly criticized her for poor grades. The sympathetic teacher then raised Alexandra’s grades out of pity. Following this incident, Alexandra’s parents discontinued the practice of paying for grades and sought guidance from a child psychologist.
3. Preventing their child from expressing their feelings
Sometimes, adults dismiss a child’s feelings as wrong — insisting that bruises don’t hurt, feeling anger toward a child who hit them is shameful, or being sad even with a valid reason is incorrect. Parents often do this with good intentions, wanting to teach their children proper behavior. However, it’s crucial to recognize that a fundamental skill for modern individuals is the ability to acknowledge and manage their feelings, emotions, and needs.
- Kate, now 37, vividly remembers how her mother forced her to give away her beloved doll to another girl, admonishing her for being “greedy” and scolding her for getting upset over a “stupid toy.” Kate never got her doll back. Over the years, she has worked hard to assert herself, learning to say “no” to demanding people, including her boss and coworkers. Despite this, Kate often feels guilty whenever she refuses to comply with their requests.
4. Failing to support their child in front of strangers
Every child needs the assurance that their parents will stand up for them in any conflict, regardless of the situation, and won’t blindly trust the words of authority figures like teachers, principals, or neighbors. When parents allow their children to speak up for themselves when they are ready to take responsibility for their actions, it helps them develop healthy self-esteem and a sense of personal accountability.
- Maggy was raised by her grandmother, who often said, “But what will other people think?” Although her grandmother loved Maggy and wanted the best for her, she constantly emphasized the importance of public opinion. As a result, Maggy struggles to make her own decisions and even relies on her friends’ opinions when choosing something as simple as dessert.
5. Drawing inspiration and comparing to successful people
Each generation has its own set of heroes whom young people aspire to emulate. In recent decades, the tales of personal success from wealthy and influential individuals have become widespread. However, it’s not as simple as learning their life story and achieving happiness. If it were that easy, everyone who reads their books would have solved all their financial problems by now.
- Alex developed a passion for computers from a young age. Inspired by the story of Steve Jobs that his dad shared with him, Alex immersed himself in learning everything about Apple. When it came time to choose a university, Alex initially believed he didn’t need higher education because Steve Jobs succeeded without it. Eventually, Alex realized the importance of education for his path and pursued college to advance his career. Now, Alex jokes, “What worked for Steve Jobs is just a waste of time for an ordinary guy like me.”
6. Pressuring their child to decide on their future career
The notion that a person should stick to one career for their entire life is likely outdated and impractical. Many modern occupations didn’t exist a decade ago, while others have already become obsolete.
- Since childhood, Max had a passion for exploring computers and understanding various software programs. Despite his parents’ concerns, he pursued this interest and eventually discovered online courses in software testing. Now, he is thriving in this field, leveraging his potential and skills.
- Laura, at 37, worked as a sociologist for a major consulting firm but found it challenging to maintain her career after having her son. During maternity leave, she rediscovered her love for photography. Starting with unique photos of her child, Laura progressed to offering photoshoots for friends’ and acquaintances’ kids. Over time, she opened her photo studio. Laura now earns as much as her husband and successfully manages her professional life while caring for her family. This shift exemplifies the evolving nature of careers and the importance of embracing new opportunities.
7. Arguing about money
Since children may absorb long-lasting messages from these circumstances, it’s crucial to avoid arguing about money or other matters in front of them. Instead of one-on-one conflicts, which can cause youngsters to take sides and become distressed, talks should be led in a way that promotes involvement.
- Chris grew up witnessing his parents argue about money. When he went to college at 17 and moved away, he struggled with managing his finances and spending on unnecessary items. He now fears starting relationships, believing that money is the root cause of his sadness.
8. Prohibiting the child from using social networks
Social networks have become today’s equivalent of the yards and neighborhoods where we used to play as children. Kids can learn valuable skills through computer programs integrated with social media platforms. While parents should remind their kids about online safety rules, depriving children of this experience can be harsh.
- Aria’s mother was surprised to discover that her 10-year-old daughter had learned to create cool videos. Even more surprising was the realization that Aria had learned this skill from using TikTok. Now, creating short videos has become a family hobby for them.
9. Teaching the kid that they have the stuff at home
Many of us recall times when we asked our parents to buy us things, only to hear, “We already have that at home; we don’t need it.” Some parents repeatedly expose their children to such situations, unintentionally discouraging them from getting what they truly need. This pattern can significantly impact their financial habits as adults. On the other hand, constantly satisfying a child’s every need can also have negative effects.
- Jan’s mother often tells him they have things at home and they don’t buy them from the store. Jan has learned to overlook his needs, and with each subsequent request, he withdraws more, knowing not to ask. When Jan grows up and earns his income, money will go towards trivial things because that’s how he’s learned to live.
10. Preventing children from getting into conflicts
The ability to engage with others is perhaps one of the most crucial professional skills one can possess. It’s important not only to help children make friends but also to teach them how to engage in healthy arguments. People often hold differing opinions, and there are various ways to express emotions. The sooner children grasp this concept, the easier their interactions with others will be, including in professional settings.
- Michaela spent her life avoiding conflicts, preferring to agree with others rather than engage in disputes. She believed that someone always had to be the “smarter” one, but this approach proved more harmful than beneficial. One day, Michaela learned about active listening and decided to apply this approach in her professional life. She excelled at paying attention to others’ perspectives while also expressing her feelings when others attempted to take advantage of her. Initially, people found her communication style unconventional, but conflicts with coworkers became more constructive, leading to mutually beneficial resolutions.
11. Helping their child learn to save money
The world is always changing, and old ways of making or saving money might not work anymore. We can’t predict what skills will be valuable in the future economy. That’s why it’s important to teach kids to be flexible and ready for change, not just to save money.
- Emily’s grandfather saved money his whole life “just in case.” But when that “case” finally happened, a financial meltdown made all his investments lose value. Emily saw this while growing up, and now she’s worried the economy could collapse at any time. She believes the best investment is in her skills and knowledge.
12. Trying to build a strong character with the help of sports
While there’s a widespread belief that sports are beneficial for discipline and character development, excessive competitiveness in professional sports can be detrimental to a child’s physical and mental health. This competitiveness can be fueled by both fellow young athletes and coaches. Only a few individuals become champions, and coaches often prioritize these select few, neglecting the rest of the team. Coping with this unfair treatment at a young age can lead to low self-esteem and confusion about alternative life paths if a child must stop playing sports.
- Tom’s mother pursued rhythmic gymnastics as a child but had to abandon her Olympic dreams due to a leg injury. When Tom was three, his mother enrolled him in gymnastics classes, hoping he would excel. However, Tom struggled in this sport, leading him to lose interest in school, feel like a failure, and struggle to identify his strengths. Now, Tom is studying to become a child psychologist to help parents navigate the challenges of raising children without making the same mistakes.
Being protective of your children is natural, but it’s important to set boundaries. Respecting their privacy is crucial for a healthy parent-child relationship and their personal development. Violating their privacy can have serious negative effects, especially on their mental health.
My neighbors reached out to complain about my in-laws’ behavior – so I gave them permission to put them in their place
“Me neither,” I replied, squeezing his hand. “It’s going to be amazing.”
We had called his parents, Miriam and Richard, over to share the news.
When they arrived, I could see the curiosity in their eyes.
“What’s this big news you have for us?” Miriam asked, settling into her favorite chair.
David took a deep breath. “I got the project. We’re moving to California for a month.”
Miriam’s face lit up. “That’s wonderful, David! But what about the house? You can’t just leave it empty.”
Richard nodded. “She’s right. Houses need looking after.”
I glanced at David, who gave me a reassuring smile. “We were hoping you could help with that,” he said.
Miriam’s eyes sparkled with excitement. “Oh, we’d love to! Right, Richard?”
“Absolutely,” Richard agreed.
“Thank you so much,” I said. “That would be very helpful.”
David seemed relieved. “Great, it’s settled then.”
But as we started to pack up our things, I couldn’t shake the feeling of unease.
Miriam and Richard had a habit of overstepping boundaries, and I worried about what they might do while we were away.
The next morning, David and I loaded the last of our bags into the car. Miriam and Richard stood by, ready to take over.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” Miriam said. “We’ve got it all under control.”
I forced another smile. “Thanks, Miriam. We really appreciate it.”
David hugged his parents goodbye. “Take care of yourselves and the house,” he said.
Richard gave me a firm handshake. “You two enjoy your adventure. We’ll keep everything in order here.”
As we drove away, I couldn’t help but feel a knot in my stomach. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked David.
“It’ll be fine, Michelle,” he said, glancing at me. “They mean well.”
I nodded, trying to convince myself. “I know. It’s just…”
“I understand,” he said, squeezing my hand. “But this is a great opportunity for us. And we’re going to enjoy our time in California, okay?”
I took a deep breath and pushed my worries aside. “You’re right. Let’s focus on the adventure ahead.”
But despite my efforts to focus on our new adventure, the unease from leaving our house in Miriam and Richard’s hands lingered.
A week into our stay in California, I received a call from Alice, our close neighbor.
“Hey, Michelle,” Alice started, her voice hesitant. “I need to tell you something about your in-laws.”
My heart sank. “What did they do, Alice?”
She took a deep breath. “Miriam threw away your purple curtains.”
“What?” I felt a surge of anger. “Those were my favorite!”
“There’s more,” Alice continued. “She also scolded me for wearing a top and shorts in my own backyard.”
I clenched my fist. “That’s so intrusive. She has no right!”
“And,” Alice hesitated again, “I saw her throwing away some of your clothes.”
Chills ran down my spine. “What? She did what?”
“I’m so sorry, Michelle. Tom and I want to help. We can talk to Miriam and Richard and put them in their place.”
I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. “Thank you, Alice. I appreciate it. Please, do what you can. They need to understand boundaries.”
“What’s wrong?” David asked as he entered the room.
“Miriam threw away my curtains and some of my clothes. She even scolded Alice for her outfit in her own yard.”
“What? Mom did that? This is too much. We need to call them.”
“Let’s wait,” I said. “Alice and Tom are going to talk to them first.”
“Alright, but if this doesn’t stop, we’re calling them ourselves.”
“They need to learn that they can’t just do whatever they want,” I said, nodding.
As I ended the call with Alice, I felt a sense of resolve. Miriam and Richard were going to learn the hard way that their behavior was unacceptable.
I anxiously waited for Alice’s call to update me on their talk with Miriam and Richard. When my phone finally rang, I answered immediately.
“Michelle, it’s Alice. We talked to them, but Miriam just brushed it off. We need to take this further.”
I took a deep breath. “Alright, what’s the plan?”
“We’ll gather the neighbors,” Alice said. “Let’s have a video call to discuss it.”
An hour later, I sat at my laptop, connecting to a video call with Alice, Tom, Brian, Ellen, and Honor. Everyone looked serious and ready to help.
“Thanks for joining,” I began. “Miriam’s crossed the line. We need to show her boundaries.”
Brian nodded. “What can we do?”
Alice leaned in. “Miriam’s planning a barbecue this weekend. I say we crash it.”
Tom grinned. “Sounds good. How?”
“Everyone wears Hawaiian shorts,” Alice suggested, her eyes twinkling. “And we bring tuna pies — Miriam hates them.”
Ellen laughed. “That’ll definitely make a statement.”
“Make it fun and loud,” I added, feeling a mix of excitement and nerves. “Show them what real boundaries are.”
Honor nodded. “Count me in.”
We spent the next hour planning every detail. Everyone had a role, from baking the pies to finding the brightest Hawaiian shorts!
Before we ended the call, Brian clapped his hands together. “This is going to be epic.”
“Remember,” I said, trying to sound confident, “the goal is to reclaim my home, not start a war.”
Alice smiled. “We’ve got this, Michelle. They won’t know what hit them.”
Just when I hung up, David returned from grocery shopping. “We have a plan,” I explained, detailing everything.
He listened quietly and sighed. “I feel bad it’s come to this. They’re my parents, after all.”
“I know,” I said gently. “But they need to learn they can’t do whatever they want.”
He nodded slowly. “You’re right. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
“I understand,” I replied. “But it’s the only way to reclaim our home.”
David managed a small smile. “Alright. Let’s see how it goes.”
That weekend, I traveled back home, determined to handle the situation in person.
Soon, the day of the barbecue arrived, and Miriam’s loud invitations gave Alice the perfect opportunity to overhear. I waited anxiously nearby, ready for the call.
Soon enough, my phone rang. “Michelle, they’re here,” Honor said. “It’s time.”
“On my way,” I replied, taking a deep breath and heading to our backyard.
As I approached, I saw the neighbors in their bright Hawaiian shorts, carrying tuna pies and ready to party. Miriam and Richard stood there, shocked and outraged.
“What is this? You can’t be here!” Miriam snapped at them.
Alice stepped forward, unfazed. “We’re here to enjoy the barbecue, Miriam.”
Miriam’s face turned red. “I’m calling the police! You can’t just crash my party like that.”
Honor quickly called me. “Michelle, it’s time.”
I entered the backyard, feeling a surge of determination. “Miriam,” I began, “you’ve crossed the line. So I think I should be the one calling the cops.”
Miriam glared at me. “How dare you speak to me like this in front of everyone! This is unacceptable! Did you plan all of this?”
“Unacceptable,” I said firmly, “is you changing the curtains, making inappropriate remarks to my neighbors, and throwing away my clothes! My neighbors will stay at this party, and you will serve them barbecue. Then, you’ll pay me for the things you threw away. Otherwise, I’ll call the police for damaging my property at MY home.”
Miriam’s facade crumbled as she stood speechless, her face red with anger and disbelief.
“You can’t do this,” she sputtered.
“You have a choice,” I said, holding my ground. “Comply or face the consequences.”
The neighbors watched, some smiling, others nodding in agreement. Richard, realizing the gravity of the situation, gently tugged her arm.
“We should just do what she says,” Richard said quietly. “Let’s not make this worse.”
Miriam looked around, seeing the determination on my face and the support from the neighbors. She finally nodded, defeated. “Fine,” she muttered.
With no choice, Miriam served the barbecue with a forced smile while the neighbors enjoyed the party. The atmosphere was lively and joyous, with music playing and everyone having a good time.
I was glad that I had reclaimed my home and set the boundaries clear. It wasn’t just about the curtains or the clothes — it was about respect and understanding. And we had made that crystal clear.
Do you think we did the right thing?
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